


Sometimes, it's closer than you think

by sunshineandeyebrows



Category: GOT7
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, M/M, a bit of swearing sorry, but not really, i hope it makes some sense, kinda Choi Youngjae/Lee Jooheon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 14:35:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8212159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshineandeyebrows/pseuds/sunshineandeyebrows
Summary: Youngjae feels bad about it, even though it’s not him Jackson is frowning at. Jackson just sometimes cares a lot more than others. He’s so focused and determined when it comes to helping the people he loves, he’s the only person Youngjae would have called in a situation like this, if he wasn't stupid and stubborn enough not to get help from anyone.





	

Youngjae is tired. He’s tired, frustrated, and angry and that’s probably the reason he’s crying, while dragging behind two giant suitcases, with another big bag on his back, trudging slowly along one of the less frequented alleys. It’s raining anyway and it is highly unlikely for him to run into anyone on his way, he figured he can cry all he wants.

He’s just cursing inwardly his damn boyfriend again, stopping for a moment to let his back rest and to wipe his face, when his phone rings. He doesn't want to pick up, especially after he sees who's calling. But it would be suspicious, and Jackson is one of the people who are instantly worried sick over their friends even after just one unanswered call. He would turn everything upside down to find out what's wrong and then make sure to fix it.

"Yeah?" Youngjae mutters to his phone, trying to gain control over his voice, even if there is a salty, bitter something blocking his throat.

"Where are you," Jackson asks without any preamble.

Youngjae laughs, because that’s what he does. He laughs when he’s happy, when one of his friends says something so lame it’s funny, when he feels embarrassed, when something is out of his control, when he’s hurt, and when he doesn't want anyone to worry about him. Youngjae laughs and even when he’s crying, that’s the only automatic reaction he can muster.

"I'm fine," he says. He’s a bit proud his voice doesn't shake. "I'll be there soon, I just need to-"

"Don't bullshit me," Jackson almost growls, cutting him off. Youngjae shuts up, suddenly wanting to cry again, even though he never really stopped. "He didn't come to pick you up."

It’s not a question. Youngjae bites his lip, rubbing furiously his eyes.

"Where are you?" Jackson repeats, softly now.

Youngjae looks around and describes his surroundings, holding back the tremble in his voice the whole time. Trying to, at least. Jackson hears it, judging by the whispered curse that leaves his lips right before he says, "Okay. Don't move from there. Not an inch, you hear me? Just fucking stay right where you are."

Youngjae nods dazedly and then realizes Jackson can't see him, so he rasps a quiet, "Yeah."

And he stays in that exact place, finally able to calm down a little, all his muscles sore and two schoolgirls under one umbrella throwing him odd looks. The rain is coming down hard, but he has long since gotten past the point of caring about being soaked.

"What the fuck, man!"

Youngjae looks up and Jackson’s grabbing his face to hold it surprisingly delicately and search it with his concerned gaze. Youngjae tries to shrug, but he doesn't know if it works out. He’s sure he grimaces, though. Jackson sighs quietly and nods to himself.

"Get in the car," he says.

Youngjae doesn't have any strength left to argue, or do anything but to obey, really. He bents to pick up his luggage without a word, but Jackson takes a hold of his wrists and maneuveres him in the direction of the vehicle.

"I told you to just get in," he says, still frowning.

Youngjae feels bad about it, even though it’s not him Jackson is frowning at. Jackson just sometimes cares a lot more than others. He’s so focused and determined when it comes to helping the people he loves, he’s the only person Youngjae would have called in a situation like this, if he wasn't stupid and stubborn enough not to get help from anyone.  
Youngjae falls down onto the passenger's seat, watching how Jackson moves all his luggage to the trunk and then joins him in the front, starting the engine. He doesn't say anything as he turns on the heater, and Youngjae’s grateful for that quiet moment when he can collect himself a bit.

Jackson doesn't let him carry his stuff on the way to their apartment either. Being roommates with Jackson can be a bit of a pain, because he demands attention at the weirdest times and is all over the place, but now Youngjae once again, for the nth time, is assured that choosing to rent a place with him instead of enlisting into the dorm was the best fucking decision in his life.

Youngjae is pushed gently into the bathroom with the instruction to, "Get in the damn shower before a cold catches up."

Youngjae notices only then that he's clacking his teeth from the cold. He thinks shower would help, because hot water and nice smell and relaxation of the muscles, but it doesn't, really. His mind is blank as he stands there, letting water get in his eyes. When he gets out, Jackson sits him on the couch and he just stays there, staring blankly into space. 

Jackson disappears and after a while puts a cup of steaming tea into his hands, sitting down next to him with a grim expression.

"Something's been going on for at least a month already," he says, voice even and low.

And despite the shower that was supposed to help, Youngjae feels like crying again, but he swallows heavily, keeping himself busy with the tea, until the cup is taken out of his fingers by the same hands that put it there.

"Youngjae-ah," Jackson whispers, his voice not so controlled anymore, but full of feeling. "You don't have to hold back when you're with me."

Youngjae laughs a little, because that was what he does. And then he’s crying, muffling his sobs into Jackson's shoulder, hands clutching at his shirt desperately.

Jackson is talking. Youngjae doesn't know what about and doesn't really care, the important thing Jackson's smooth voice in his ear and his strong arms soothing circles into Youngjae's back.

Youngjae doesn't know how long they stay like that, but when he picks his head up to wipe the snot off of his face, the light is already slowly disappearing from the world, Jackson's face dipped in shadows, his eyes calm and warm in the dim room. He holds Youngjae's wet face so gently, as if he’s holding something delicate and precious, and Youngjae loses his breath a bit, because no one else has ever treated him the way Jackson does. No one else has ever looked at him like they didn't want to be looking at anything else in that moment.

"Either you notice yourself that it doesn't make sense and tell him that, or I'm gonna make you do that," Jackson says seriously. "I can't watch you being like that and I won't. Okay?"

Youngjae wants to protest at first. His boyfriend has stack with him for the better part of the year, and the fact that he ditched him after promising to pick him up from the station doesn't automatically mean it all doesn't make sense. The problem is, it’s not the first time something like that happens. And Youngjae is mostly tired, because he came back from the long awaited trip back to his parents' house that lasted a week, he has gotten so much amazing stuff to bring back for himself and his friends, and he thought he was coming back to his boyfriend waiting for him to help him deposit everything in his and Jackson's apartment. He thought he would say hi to his best friend and they would manage to go on a casual date with his supposed other half to maybe fix a little the stuff that wasn't so great between them for some time now.

Instead, he’s on their old couch, leaving snot, along with some part of his dignity, all over Jackson's shirt, and he probably doesn’t want to be doing anything else. So yeah, he wants to protest and say that it's not okay, because how has Jackson any right to tell him what in his life makes sense. He wants to protest, until he doesn't anymore.  
Jackson knows him better than he could ever comprehend, he has that right, especially if it’s not pleasant for him either. And Youngjae has been thinking of talking seriously to his boyfriend for some time now. Apart from the painful, but unavoidable thought that Youngjae simply doesn’t feel the same anymore about the man, Jackson's silent concern and others' either almost open hatred or hard judging towards his boyfriend, that has the tendency to change to not-so-silent worry they express on every occasion, probably affects him more than he would like to admit. He doesn't really want to accept he’s losing footing when it comes to his life, but he doesn’t think he has the strength to keep things up as they are.

"Okay," he says finally.

Jackson smiles at him, wide and dazzling, and then pulls him close to leave a sweet kiss on his forehead.

"Dude," Youngjae laughs awkwardly.

It’s not sincere yet and he knows Jackson can tell. But Jackson, to the contrary of the belief of everyone in their click, is a patient man. At least when it comes to the important things. He will wait for Youngjae to be able to laugh freely and will do anything in his power to encourage him to do it.

"We should play Mario Kart," Jackson decides suddenly.

"Are you sure?" Youngjae raises his eyebrows, drinking his cold tea.

"You need a mood lifter," Jackson shrugs and then grins, his eyes lighting up with the upcoming challenge. "Destroying me in Mario Kart seems like a good example of a mood lifter."

Youngjae nods, giving him a small smile and bumping his shoulder. He doesn't need to say thank you, Jackson will get it anyway.

***

Youngjae tells Jinyoung and Mark about the situation the next day. Mark nods to himself without a word, frowning. Jinyoung gapes a bit.

"Are you an idiot?" he says incredulously. "Of course you need to talk to that asshole!"

And then he’s hugging Youngjae tightly.

"What did Jackson do?" Mark asks quietly.

Youngjae looks at him over Jinyoung's shoulder. He doesn't want to tell them the part where he was a whiny kid, crying in Jackson's arms. Mark looks determined though, and Mark usually gets what he wants in the end. Not to mention Jinyoung, who lets him go and is now drilling a hole in his head with his intense gaze.

Youngjae tells them.

Mark nods again, his face twisting a bit, as if he ate something sour.

"You definitely have to talk to your boyfriend," he says.

Jinyoung looks like he realized some absolutely basic truth about the universe that Youngjae still has trouble grasping.

"Oh shit," he breathes and opens his mouth to say something else. He gets only, “So you both–” before Mark cuts him off.

"Jinyoung," Mark's voice is quiet, but powerful. Reprimanding. 

It must be important, if he uses that tone on Jinyoung. Usually, he’s completely content to let Jinyoung do the talking.

Jinyoung grimaces.

"Fine," he says only.

Youngjae’s a bit jealous of their ability to practically read each other's minds.

"What? What is it?" he asks quickly. “We both what?”

He already knows it’s pretty much useless, if Jinyoung didn’t react to Mark’s warning with something stronger than fine.

"Sorry," Jinyoung shakes his head slightly. "It's not our thing to tell."

Youngjae studies their faces for a while longer, but they’re probably two most stubborn people he had ever met besides himself.

"Okay," he accepts, resigned.

"Talk to him," Mark repeats.

"If I have to talk to him too, you know where to find me," Jinyoung says.

His voice is perfectly casual, but his eyes perfectly scary. Mark nods, gaze lighting up with something dangerous too. Youngjae doesn't have any doubts what that conversation would look like.

"Thanks," he says and Jinyoung hugs him again.

That evening, he tells Jaebum and the two youngest too. He doesn't omit anything this time. Jaebum looks positively murderous by the time Youngjae finishes, and he gets up without a word to storm in the direction of the door.

"Hyung, where are you going?" Youngjae asks, grabbing his wrist to stop him.

"To kick his ass obviously," Jaebum growls, trying to free himself out of Youngjae's hold.

"Hyung," Yugyeom says, voice serious. "In any other situation, I would be going with you, but not this time. It's not our fight."

Youngjae throws him a grateful look and pulls Jaebum to make him sit back.

"Thank you," he says, holding Jaebum's hand in his two. "I know I can count on you to have my back, hyung. I wanna talk to him myself first, though."

"Dammit, Jae," Jaebum breathes, clenching his teeth.

"You should do it fast," Bambam mutters, being exceptionally quiet until now. "Neither we, nor Jackson will wait long."

"You think Jackson wants to kick his ass too?" Youngjae winces.

Bam throws a quick glance at Jaebum, but then looks Youngjae in the eye like nothing happened. If it was anyone but him, they probably wouldn't have noticed the alarm in Bambam's gaze. But Youngjae does.

"Jackson's your best friend, I would want to kick ass belonging to everyone who hurt you, if I was him," Bambam says, his voice perfectly casual.

Youngjae decides they know something he apparently doesn't concerning Jackson, that probably has something to do with him as well, judging by Jinyoung’s slip up, and it hurts a little, but he can wait for Jackson to tell him himself, just like Jackson always waits for him to do the same.

***

His boyfriend calls the next day, asking if he got home safely. Youngjae wants to laugh in his face, but asks if they can talk instead. They meet in his boyfriend's apartment and Youngjae catches himself on stealing glances around to check if he has left a lot of stuff here. He’s not sure how to feel when he noticed there is indeed quite a few.

"I don't think we should keep this up," he says without any preamble, words just tumbling out of his mouth.

His boyfriend looks shocked for just a second and then his eyebrows draw together, as his lips turn into an awful smirk.

"I'm not good enough anymore?" he asks, voice shaking a bit from anger, despite his expression. "I knew that someday you're gonna exchange me for that best friend of yours, and I figured you might be a slut, but picking someone like that over me was seriously a new low, even for you."

So Youngjae maybe wanted to make a clean breakup, to walk away in peace and a bit of heartbreak, but that is just a distant, stupid thought after he hears those words. And sure, he knows it’s probably the pain causing his boyfriend to say that, because he knows him pretty well and openly talking about feelings isn't something that comes easily to the man. Nothing can justify saying something like that, though, and most of all, Youngjae feels betrayed, because he thought he could spend some part of his life with this person, if not all of it. Against all odds, he doesn't want to cry right now. He’s just confused and angry, and the more he stares at the man he considered someone worthy of falling in love with before, the more pissed off he is. He doesn't really care about being called a slut, because he came prepared for that kind of harsh words. But no one, not even the person he loves, or maybe especially that person, can talk about Jackson like that. And Youngjae suddenly decides that no, he’s not good enough anymore.

The man in front of him, who suddenly looks like a complete stranger, seems pleased with causing Youngjae to make such an expression. That is until Youngjae's fist lands on his face.

Youngjae doesn't even care he walks out of the apartment with a black eye and his nose bleeding profusely, all of his stuff be damned. He feels great with himself, even if freedom tastes a little like blood. The sun is blinding. He calls Jackson this time.

Jackson freezes with his eyes absolutely huge when he sees him, but only for a second. Then he moves his gaze from Youngjae's busted nose to the rest of his face and when he sees Youngjae grinning like an idiot, he smiles blindingly too.

"You look like shit," he says.

And Youngjae answers with, "You should see the other guy," letting Jackson inspect his face all he wants.

And it’s okay, because Jackson sighs over his stupidity, shaking his head a bit and still smiling, and he grabs his wrist to pull him towards his car, and Youngjae doesn’t want to admit how much he likes being doted on by him.

"Come on, let's fix you up a bit."

His hands are steady and gentle, as he wipes Youngjae's face clean and holds a pack of ice against his eye, telling him to keep his head down to let all the blood from his nose flow out and into the copious amounts of toilet paper. He’s talking the whole time, describing his day and mentioning random, unrelated stuff. Not once does he say anything about Youngjae's current situation. Youngjae doesn't tell him that the main reason he’s in this state was defending Jackson's honor, either.

Jackson cautiously puts ointment on his eye, makes sure his nose isn't broken, and orders pizza.

"Thanks," Youngjae says when they’re watching chic flicks sometime later. He has a need to say it this time. "You're the best best friend ever."

Jackson’s face does something weird for half a second, but then he grimaces comically. Youngjae knows he’s hiding a grin.

"Ew, dude! Don't make me cringe like that!"

It’s seriously an amazing thing that Jackson doesn't care he’s older and they can be completely comfortable with each other.

Youngjae's face is throbbing and he can barely see with his injured eye already, but it has been a long time since he last felt so good.

***

There is no one to stop Jaebum this time, because everyone else wants to kick Youngjae's ex-boyfriend’s ass too. He manages to prevent it, somehow, and tells them buying him meat will be more than enough. Jinyoung doesn't want to leave him for a second, trying to convince him to go to hospital the whole evening. Mark claps his back and says, "I hope you got him good." Yugyeom is definitely too excited about all of this. Bambam is too quiet again. There is something off with Jackson too, even though he tries to act like always. They spend the evening fussing over Youngjae and making sure he’s okay, stuffing him with all kinds of food.

"Are you okay?" Youngjae asks Jackson after they come back.

Jackson seems startled. His smile is a bit late and it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'm fine," he says, but Youngjae knows he isn't and Jackson knows Youngjae noticed. "I just have a lot on my mind right now."

"You can talk to me about anything, you know," Youngjae reminds him, his chest squeezing at seeing Jackson so out of it.

"I know," Jackson gives him a small smile, but it’s genuine this time, so Youngjae lets it go. "I will."

And it’s enough. They’re okay. That's why, when Youngjae wakes up the next day feeling like shit, he’s mildly surprised.

"It's perfectly normal, dude. You've loved him all this time, you probably still do,” he pauses. “One way or another,” he amends. “You're heartbroken. You're not gonna fall out of love in one day," Jackson tells him, acting a lot more naturally already. "Here," he adds, putting eggs and bacon in front of him.

Youngjae doesn't feel like eating at all and he’s not so sure if what Jackson’s saying is true for him, but he doesn't want Jackson to feel bad, so he shovels down everything and tries not to think about it for now.

"Good boy," Jackson mutters, as he sets a box of ice cream in front of him.

His tone of voice does something weird to Youngjae's insides, but he doesn't want to dwell on that either. He also ignores the fact that it’s probably not the first time. He’s just glad he got the ice cream.

"Chic flicks again?" Jackson asks.

"You don't have classes today?" Youngjae wants to know, settling on the couch.

"Whatever," Jackson waves a dismissive hand.

So they spend the entire day on the couch, eating snacks and watching dumb movies and Youngjae falls asleep on Jackson's shoulder, feeling warm fingers smoothing over his hair.

Bambam drags him out to a party one of the fraternities is making after about a week of wallowing in self-pity and trying to catch up on his assignments. Jackson has some stuff to take care of and can't go. He’s been a lot more distant lately, too. Jaebum tags along begrudgingly, because he’s a bit paranoid about Youngjae's safety and Bambam's ideas can be pretty crazy. He disappears as soon as they get there, though. Youngjae thinks he sees someone who's hair looks identically to Jinyoung's, but when he wants to talk to Bambam about it, he notices the younger is gone as well.

Youngjae sighs to himself, feeling lost and alone surrounded by already drunk and dancing people, and deafening music. Then he spots the food table and trudges towards it, wondering if he could just leave now.

"Hi," he hears, as he’s stuffing his face with Doritos.

He turns to see if it's him someone's talking to and flinches slightly as he takes in the silhouette of the guy next to him.

"Hi," Youngjae says cautiously, offering a small smile.

The guy seems a bit bashful, which looks a bit funny with his height and muscles.

"Sorry, I thought I saw you with Bam and I was pretty sure I knew all of his friends, so I just wanted to... say hi, I guess," he says, ending a little awkwardly.

He smiles though, and his eyes almost completely disappear in it.

Youngjae laughs, feeling a bit lighter.

"Hi, then," he repeats.

"You seemed pretty startled when you saw me," the guy says.

He has to talk directly into Youngjae's ear, so that he can hear him, and his voice is pleasantly low, even if it isn't as deep as Jackson's.

"Yeah, sorry," Youngjae says. "You have a pretty impressive physique, I was just surprised."

"You don't seem to hate it now, though," Youngjae hears in his ear and his cheeks get hot as he laughs with embarrassment.

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Maybe," the guy says with a cute grin.

"I don't even know your name," Youngjae points out.

"I'll tell you, if you come with me outside."

Youngjae hesitates and the other notices.

"Just talking," he promises and Youngjae finally grabs the hand that is offered to him.

The guy's name is Jooheon. They talk a lot and it’s almost as comfortable as with Jackson. Youngjae doesn't think about coming back home again.

"Youngjae-ah," he hears suddenly, while he’s in the middle of describing Jackson's and his relations.

Youngjae learns that Jooheon knows Jackson pretty well and already heard of Youngjae, but had no idea how he looked like, so it’s pretty much a coincidence they met like this. Jackson naturally becomes something of a common ground between them, as they talk.

Youngjae looks up to see Jaebum supporting himself on the door to the porch they’re sitting on. His hair is a bit wild and Youngjae’s pretty sure he can see a hickey on his neck.

"Sorry," Youngjae tells Jooheon and stands up. "What is it?" he turns to Jaebum.

Jaebum nods at Jooheon , Youngjae looking between them, a bit surprised. He quickly remembers Jooheon told him he knows all of Bambam's friends.

"We should go back," Jaebum says.

"Where were you all this time?" Youngjae asks curiously.

Jaebum evidently avoids his gaze. His ears are pink.

"I had some stuff to do," he mumbles.

"You mean me and Jinyoung?" Mark asks, appearing out of nowhere.

Youngjae gapes, as Jaebum sputters.

"Mark!"

"He's a big boy, Jaebum, don't overreact," Mark says, clapping Youngjae's shoulder to drag him back into the loud building. "We need you to help us get Bam's ass back home, because some have already tried to join it in the tub. Jinyoung is there for now, but his state isn't that great either."

Youngjae turns around his shoulder to wave awkwardly at Jooheon, who seems as shocked as Youngjae feels over the sudden news that his friends are more than friendly with each other. And three of them, nonetheless. So it really was Jinyoung's hair he saw earlier.

They drag completely drunk Bambam back to his dorm, where Yugyeom is writing some paper and promises to take care of him. Jinyoung is too clingy and kisses Youngjae's cheek practically the whole way, giggling into his ear. Mark takes him over from Youngjae after they get rid of Bam and Jinyoung clings to him instead. Jaebum falls into step with Youngjae.

"Sorry you had to find out like this," he says, irritation slightly coloring his voice. Mark seems to feel it, because he turns around, giving Jaebum a shit eating grin, showing off his canines. "Mark just couldn't help himself with the opportunity."

"How long has it been going on?" Youngjae asks, slowly adjusting to the situation.

"It's pretty new," Jaebum says quietly, his face smoothing with a small smile, as he looks up at Mark and Jinyoung trudging slowly in front and giggling like teenage girls.

Youngjae feels a weird pull in his chest, an ache after having someone who would look at him like that, too. He discards the memory of his ex’s warm smile, and of Jackson staring at him like he matters.

"I hope it works out," he says softly.

Jaebum throws him a grateful smile.

They reach a corner and Jaebum glances at him cautiously.

"We should probably put Jinyoungie to bed," he says, looking torn. "Will you be okay?"

"Yeah," Youngjae nods and smiles. "You should take care of your men, hyung."

Jaebum flushes and swats him around the head. Youngjae laughs, waving at the other two.

When he comes back, Jackson is fast asleep, with his head on the table in front of his laptop. Youngjae feels a stupid, fond grin forming on his lips, as he maneuvers Jackson to carry him to bed. Jackson is completely dead to the world and he doesn't wake up once during the whole process. He mumbles some weird stuff about Kim Yugyeom and hot marshmallows and Youngjae saving the trees.

Youngjae snorts a laugh and covers him with sheets. And then Jackson grabs his wrist, muttering, "M’sorry... wanted to stop... I can't... Youngjae," he sighs, frowning, and the words become an incoherent mess.

Youngjae doesn't know why his heart is pounding so loudly. He smooths a hand through Jackson's hair and can't sleep for half of the night.

***

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, MY EYES!"

Youngjae startles awake so violently, he falls out of bed, looking around wildly. Usually, a shout like that isn't nearly enough to wake him, so he’s confused as to why he’s actually not sleeping anymore.

Jackson storms into their bedroom like a hurricane, eyes huge. Youngjae blinks at him from the floor, dumbfounded.

Jackson stops suddenly to stare at him.

"Why are you sitting on the floor?" he asks.

"Because you woke me up and I fell," Youngjae mumbles, still a bit dizzy and stupid from sleep. "Why were you shouting?"

Jackson looks at him for a while longer and then starts to laugh with his high-pitched voice.

"Sorry, sorry," he says, extending his hand to help him up.

Youngjae pouts, massaging his hip. Jackson notices and his expression turns concerned.

"Does it hurt a lot?" he asks, batting away Youngjae's hands to examine his side gingerly.

His fingers are warm and gentle. And suddenly, it’s too much, the silence electrifying, tips of toes stepping on the invisible line, even though neither of them knows what’s on the other side. Youngjae looks up to see Jackson staring at him from under his lashes and there is a moment of absolute stillness.

Then Youngjae moves, smoothly escaping the touch and laughing a bit.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he says, voice definitely too high.

Jackson follows him into the kitchen.

"So?"

"So?" Jackson repeats, seeming a bit dazed.

"The shouting?" Youngjae prompts.

"Oh yeah," Jackson wakes up. "So I figured it's already one in the afternoon and I went to Jinyoung to borrow that manhwa I told you about, and I didn't knock, because it's Jinyoung, you know, I wasn't prepared for him making out with Mark, and I definitely wasn't prepared for a half-naked Jaebum throwing shoes at me!"

Youngjae chuckles, opening the fridge.

"Yeah, it is pretty shocking," he says.

"You knew?"

"I found out yesterday. As ironic, as it sounds, Mark doesn't like to keep quiet when it comes to the more important stuff."

"Yeah," Jackson breathes, clearly still overwhelmed.

"By the way," Youngjae adds. "I met someone yesterday. His name is Jooheon, he knows you apparently, and talking to him was really nice– what's wrong?"

Jackson is standing completely still, all muscles tense and eyes wide, as he stares at the floor. Youngjae's question must have snapped him out of that strange state, because some weird grimace that’s gone before Youngjae can read it crosses his face.

"No, it's, it's nothing," he says, too quickly, tone of voice strange. "I'm, uh, I'm glad you met Jooheon, he's a nice guy," he tries to smile, but it doesn't work at all. "Sorry, I have some stuff to do. See you later," and he’s gone, leaving Youngjae staring stupidly at the air in front of him.

They don't see each other later. Jackson doesn't show up in their apartment for the next four days. Youngjae texts him occasionally to ask if he has eaten or if he has a proper place to sleep. Jackson replies with monosyllables. It pisses Youngjae off, but there isn't much he can do about it.

And then he comes home out of schedule, because of one of his classes having been cancelled, and Jackson is there, sitting by the kitchen table with his head hidden in his arms. He must have heard the door, because his muscles are stiff and he doesn't move an inch when Youngjae goes in.

Suddenly, Youngjae feels exhausted. Sure, his heart being broken doesn't mean Jackson can't have his own problems, but it’s more complicated than that when those problems involve Youngjae. He just wanted a couple days to mope and not have to take care of another drama.

"Enough," he says harshly, standing over Jackson, his hand heavily meeting the table.

Jackson flinches, but doesn't look up.

"What the fuck is going on?"

Youngjae doesn't curse. He doesn't lose his temper, nor does he shout. He mediates, pacifies, makes sure Jackson isn't going to hurt someone or himself by sheer coincidence while pissed off or too excited. Youngjae laughs everything off, even if he sometimes wants to break something. Youngjae laughs everything off, even though both he and Jackson know it’s not sincere as often as Youngjae would like it to be. Jackson often says that Youngjae has a heart of gold.

So when Youngjae does curse, they both know the situation's serious.

"I'm sorry," Jackson says, too quiet as for him. He still doesn't look up.

Youngjae breaks a bit.

"Hyung, come on, please talk to me."

Jackson finally glances at him and he looks completely drained, as if he hasn't slept at all those past four days. Youngjae breathes in sharply, reaching out to grab his face and examine it. Jackson turns his gaze and slips away. It fucking hurts.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, nervously smoothing over his hair to fit it under his snapback. "I'll be back to normal soon, okay? Just give me a bit of time and–"

"I don't want you to be back to normal! I want you to be okay!" Youngjae cuts him off desperately.

"I will be, eventually," Jackson smiles, but his eyes are wide and sad. "I didn't want to make you so worried. I'm really sorry. I'll stay at Bam's for a while, okay? I have some things I need to figure out and I have to do that on my own. Just don't start freaking out, because this couldn't possibly be your fault in any way, okay?"

Youngjae wants to cry, but he only sniffs, clasping his fingers together desperately, as he nods.

"Thank you," there is a relieved sigh and absence of the familiar touch on his shoulder.

Youngjae goes to Jinyoung after that, because Jinyoung knows Jackson almost as well as Youngjae and Bambam, but can see the moment to be serious when it punches him in the face, unlike the younger. Youngjae goes to Jinyoung also because Jinyoung somehow knows too much about every single one of them.

Mark is there with Jaebum, but he pulls the other to the door as soon as he sees Youngjae. Jaebum ruffles his hair, trying to slow Mark down, but Mark doesn't budge and they’re gone the next second.

Youngjae looks at Jinyoung.

"Do you know what's going on? Please, tell me what's going on."

Jinyoung's smile is bitter.

"He's just... being a really good friend," he says.

Youngjae has no idea what that means.

"If it's supposed to be like this, then I don't want him to be a really good friend, I–"

"Then what do you want him to be?" Jinyoung asks, eyes sharp.

Youngjae blinks stupidly.

"What?"

"Please, figure it out, because I can't tell you anything else," Jinyoung sighs, clearly frustrated and a bit concerned.

Youngjae exits the room completely confused. Mark and Jaebum are coming back from the vending machine. Jaebum gives him one of his supportive smiles and drops a coke into his hands. Mark claps his shoulder. They don't say anything. Youngjae nods at them with a small smile of his own and goes back home to sit at the kitchen table, stare at the wall and try to figure it out.

It hits him when he’s going to bed. The hard of course! punches the air out of his lungs and he’s up, hair wild and still wet from the shower, sneakers barely pulled onto his feet, Spiderman pajamas on his legs, but he can't wait, can't spare a second to change. He has half a mind to grab keys and his phone on the way out. And then he’s running to the dorms and banging on Bambam's door impatiently.

Bam opens it and his face splits into a blinding grin.

"Hi!" he says.

Youngjae wants to catch his breath and ask where Jackson is and if he can talk to him, but Bam rounds on him and pushes him slightly into the room with a quick, "Bye!"

The door closes at the same time as Jackson exits the bathroom. There is a moment when they just stare at each other. Then Jackson's eyes from wide and surprised change to almost desperately concerned. Youngjae realizes how he must look. Jackson makes an aborted motion, as if he wants to get as close as possible and check if everything's fine. Youngjae feels a sharp, desperate ache in his chest, because he wants nothing else in that second. But Jackson stays in place, fists clenching at his side. His expression doesn't change, though.

"What's wrong?" he asks, voice soft and full of worry, a bit hoarse.

"Everything!" Youngjae spats. "Why didn't you tell me?!" his voice breaks a bit, but he doesn't really care.

He just wants Jackson back. Without some ridiculous barriers created by titles, without holding back from anything. He just wants them to be together, no matter if it’s like before or completely different, no matter if Jackson wants more or if he’s satisfied with how things are now. Youngjae would try anything, just to get them to be okay again.

Jackson is confused for a minute, trying to catch up to his words, but finally, he understands. His eyes become huge with panic, as he casts them down, and he freezes, clenching his jaw.

"Come on, say something," Youngjae babbles, making the few steps to him.

Jackson shuts his eyes, as he slowly shakes his head. Youngjae sees the way his body starts to tremble slightly.

"Sorry. I can't," he croaks.

"Please," Youngjae says, whispers, grabbing Jackson's stiff arms gently. "Tell me."

He hates himself a bit because of being so selfish and demanding when it’s clearly so hard for Jackson, but he can’t back away now. Jackson opens his eyes and he looks even more tired than the last time Youngjae saw him. Youngjae sees fear in his eyes, before his gaze becomes suddenly calm, if absolutely and carefully empty.

"I can tell you a lot of things, Youngjae-ah. I can tell you how stupid it was to stick with that asshole for such a long time when he treated you like this."

"I know. You told me that already a few times."

"I did," Jackson nods. "I can also tell you how meeting someone a week after breakup is a bad idea. And I can tell you how I would like to have a say in whatever choices you make, although I know I don't have the right. But please, not that. I'm begging you, don't make me say it."

Youngjae is shaking his head before Jackson’s even finished.

"I want to hear it, I need to hear it," he begs pathetically.

By this point, he’s almost pressing Jackson into a wall.

"Please," he tries again, his heart thumping loudly in his throat.

They both know what Jackson isn’t saying. They both know, and yet Jackson is unable to seal it with words that Youngjae wants to hear so much, even if he can imagine how they would sound.

Finally, Jackson looks at him with eyes that are everything but empty. They shine with so many emotions, Youngjae forgets how to breathe. Jackson takes a big gulp of air, forcing himself to stop biting down on his lip. The words are more of a faint breath than actual voice.

"I'm so in love with you."

And then Youngjae's mouth is sealed with his best friend's and it’s so natural, so absolutely right, as if all of this, the asshole boyfriend, the hurt, the avoiding, the weird feeling caused by Jackson's smooth voice Youngjae never wanted to think about, the tense seconds when they weren't sure where the line was, everything, led them to this moment.  
Jackson pushes at Youngjae's shoulders to bury his face in his neck.

"Stop, I don't know what's going on," he mumbles, voice hoarse.

"That makes two of us," Youngjae says, dazed. "Let's go home, hyung. We'll figure it out, but let's go home first, okay?"

Jackson nods. He’s not looking at him.

***

Youngjae isn't sure how they get home. His thoughts are a mess and it seems as if the entire way back lasts less than a minute. Jackson is quiet and too still.

"Sit down, hyung," Youngjae prompts gently.

He wants to touch Jackson's shoulder, but moves away his hand at the last second. Jackson notices it, judging by the way his eyebrows knit together. He flops down into the only chair in the room. Youngjae sits on the couch. Jackson is restless, messing with the hem of his shirt or his hair.

"Hyung-"

"I don't get it!" Jackson finally bursts. "You told me I was your best friend! And I remember when you said you would feel betrayed, if your friend fell for you!" he’s now physically holding back from standing up to pace around the room, but this kind of Jackson, the loud and blunt one, is a lot better and more familiar than the miserable and quiet Jackson Youngjae had to watch for the past half an hour.

Youngjae blinks at him, surprised that he would still remember something Youngjae said a good few years ago.

"I still think that now," he admits quietly. Jackson looks at him completely lost. "Well, maybe it is selfish and all, but it would really suck, if my friend fell in love with me and I didn't feel anything for them, right? It would be awkward and weird."

And it isn't now.

"What are you trying to say, Youngjae-ah?" Jackson breathes, as if he can hear the words that Youngjae didn't say.

"It's just, you're still my best friend. You're still my best friend, but it doesn't mean what it used to anymore," Youngjae takes a deep breath, trying to put his thoughts in some logical order. "Remember that time about four months ago when we fought, because you were trying to tell me that leaving me alone during a party twice was a dick move and I should talk to him? You were right then and I was acting like a brat, but you were the one who came to me when I was crying later. You were the one who said sorry and you even made me food. But what I remember the most is that you didn't mention it again and thanks to that I could figure it out on my own. I didn't have to feel pathetic, because you were there and you just wanted me to be happy. And you've been doing that since we met. That's why you're my best friend, but that's also why you're so much more, and I just don't care anymore, and I'm so sorry you had to feel like this because of me."

Jackson stares at him for a long moment, hands squeezed together so tightly, his knuckles turn white.

"Of course I’m doing that for you, someone has to take care of you from time to time and if there isn’t anyone else, then–" he cuts himself off, probably aware that Youngjae wouldn’t appreciate mentioning the guy he had been with for so long now. “But is it, is it really enough?” he adds cautiously.

Youngjae grabs his hands to untie them and hold them gently.

“It probably has been for some time now,” he says with a wry smile. Jackson seems confused, so Youngjae sighs, deciding to spill everything he didn’t want to think about for the last month or more. “Even the guy I was with might have known it before I did. At least that’s what I got out of his final speech, before I broke his nose,” he snorts a bit. Jackson’s eyes are huge, as he stares at him expectantly. “At that party, you know what I talked with Jooheon about?” Jackson grimaces a bit and tries to take away his hands, but Youngjae holds tightly, bending to bury his face in them. “You,” he says quietly.

Jackson stills and Youngjae’s too scared to see the expression on his face.

“I think I’ve been really stupid for a long time already,” he continues.

He doesn’t look up until he hears a hitch in Jackson’s voice, and his head snaps up in an instant.

“Are you crying?!” he asks incredulously, as Jackson tries to free his hands so that he can cover his face that is now screwed up, while two giant tears roll slowly down his cheeks. “Why are you crying?” Youngjae adds, softer.

He watches as Jackson opens his mouth and knows he would probably want to say a lot right now, but maybe his voice fails him, or maybe it’s hard to remember the right words in Korean in a situation like this, because he settles on short and simple, “I’m so happy.”

Youngjae laughs a little, standing up to ease himself into his lap, straddling his thighs. He kisses the tip of Jackson’s nose.

“Stop it, you’re so ugly when you cry,” he says fondly.

“Shut up,” Jackson bites back, but without any real heat, and Youngjae laughs more, draping his arms around Jackson’s shoulders.

Jackson sobs into his neck, but then Youngjae moves away to kiss his forehead and both his wet cheeks, and finally his mouth. It’s sticky and kind of gross, but Jackson laughs against his lips and that’s what’s important right now.

“Are you sure?” Jackson asks a while later, his face snuggled into Youngjae’s shoulder. 

Youngjae tries to think about it. He remembers the feeling of having Jackson look at him, like there was nothing better in the universe, and the intense glances Jackson sends his way during every party they are at with their friends, when he thinks Youngjae doesn’t see them. He goes briefly to his ex with his thoughts and realizes what has maybe been obvious for everyone else since a long time now. He hasn’t been thinking in that warm, bubbly way about the man for a few months already, despite having that feeling constantly at the start of their relationship. He’s been thinking like that about Jackson instead.

“Whatever happens,” he starts slowly and Jackson looks up at him. “I never want to hurt you, because despite everything, you’re my friend first and I don’t think that will ever change.”

“But doesn’t it mean–” Jackson starts and cuts himself off for a second with a sharp inhale. “If you’re saying something like this already, then does it even make sense to–”

“I don’t want to promise anything yet,” Youngjae shakes his head. “I wouldn’t forgive myself, if I promised you too much now and then broke it. I’ll do it eventually, hyung,” he adds quickly. “Right now, I can just say that I’m sure right now, so please don’t look at me like that– oh crap, that sentence didn’t make sense at all, right? Sorry, I just, I meant–”

Jackson puts a hand against his mouth suddenly. His eyes are filled with laughter and a bit of smugness.

“Who told who that they’re rambling when they’re nervous, again?” he asks.

Youngjae gasps theatrically.

“Hyung is so mean~” he pouts exaggeratedly.

Jackson laughs at him.

“Oh my god, you’re not cute at all like that! You should ask Mark for some lessons or something!”

Youngjae hits his arm, while laughing too. Jackson hisses and begrudgingly massages the stinging spot.

“Why are you always hitting me anyway?!” he demands.

Youngjae feels a sudden smirk stretch his lips and Jackson freezes, staring at him. Youngjae ignores his expression, as he leans forward to nip at his ear.

“Wanna get a lil revenge, hyung?” he murmurs, smoothly placing Jackson’s hands on his ass.

Jackson shivers against him and his eyes are as much filled with lust, as with shock.

“Tomorrow,” Youngjae promises, standing up from his lap and ignoring a subconscious whine that slips past Jackson’s lips.

“Are you–” Jackson starts and needs to go again, while Youngjae’s busy feeling smug in front of him. “Were you always like this?” he finally gets out.

“Like what?” Youngjae asks innocently.

Jackson groans with frustration, as Youngjae laughs and tugs him along towards his room, trying to ignore the semi that’s starting to strain his Spiderman pajamas. Jackson pulls them to a stop before they reach the door.

“Bathroom,” he says and Youngjae almost lets him go, but then his gaze somehow ends up going down to Jackson’s crotch, as Jackson grins awkwardly.

Youngjae tightens his hold. He knows it’s probably a bad idea, but it could also be a very good idea. Because Jackson is tired and this will help him relax, of course. Besides, he did kind of cause it in the first place. Okay, not kind of. He definitely caused it, and it was pretty deliberate too.

“Youngjae-ah?” Jackson asks, but Youngjae pulls him into the room, and then pushes onto the bed.

Jackson seems to be fighting with himself over whether to urge him closer or keep the distance between them, and make it as big as from here to the bathroom, after all.

Youngjae doesn’t let him struggle for long, before straddling him again. That’s what makes Jackson snap out of it and his eyebrows draw together, as he holds Youngjae back from moving freely.

“That’s not what I meant, Youngjae-ah,” he says, tone of voice firm and stubborn. “We don’t need to–”

His protest abruptly dies, as Youngjae takes his hand and directs it to his own dick. Jackson stares at him wide-eyed. Youngjae sighs, as the man rubs him experimentally through the soft fabric of his pants.

“Seriously?” Jackson asks, like he can’t believe this is happening, and Youngjae grins.

“You’re already in my bed,” Youngjae says, trying for wistful and spectacularly failing, as Jackson tugs at him slowly. “You don’t have to hold back.”

Jackson stops moving at all, face contemplative.

“Just now?” he asks finally.

Youngjae’s already forgotten what they were talking about, thinking what it feels like to have Jackson underneath him like this.

“Huh?” he asks intelligently.

Jackson smirks and Youngjae decides to forgive him for that, since it’s a pretty nice sight.

“The holding back thing,” Jackson reminds him. “Is it only for now?”

Youngjae blinks at him incredulously.

“After all that in the living room, and you still have doubts I’m sure?”

That’s apparently all Jackson needed. He pulls Youngjae down to seal his mouth with a burning kiss. Youngjae thinks Jackson will flip them over soon, because that’s how it usually was with the people Youngjae was going out with, but he lets him stay on top, strong hands immediately finding their way to his ass and kneading. Youngjae groans into his mouth, trying desperately to unbutton his pants. It’s a bit hard, considering they both keep grinding against each other, but finally Youngjae gets Jackson’s cock out, pulling away from his mouth to lick his palm, while Jackson’s dark eyes never leave his face. Youngjae grabs them both into his hand and moans lowly at the contact, Jackson urging him for another kiss that’s a lot more filthy and desperate.

Jackson’s hands begin to wander along Youngjae’s body, sneaking under his shirt and teasing his nipples with their roughness, and Youngjae can’t help but break the kiss, his back arching. Jackson follows him up to suck at his neck and Youngjae’s so close, he just needs–

“You’re– so good, Youngjae-ah–” Jackson all but growls in his ear, voice so low, as if it’s coming from depths of his chest and Youngjae topples over the edge.

Jackson laughs at him quietly, as he slumps against his muscled body.

“A minute,” he mumbles drowsily, vaguely aware that Jackson’s still hard in his hand.

“It’s okay, I can–”

“No.”

Jackson smiles against his ear and kisses it softly. Youngjae finally unglues himself from Jackson’s nice chest and touches their foreheads together. Jackson looks at him with fondness and maybe a little bit of amusement. Not for long, though, eyes closing and mouth opening around a silent moan when Youngjae tugs at him. It’s a lot easier now, thanks to Youngjae’s cum covering his own hand, as well as Jackson’s dick and most of his shirt, for which Youngjae will be sorry later.

It’s kind of funny how Jackson always has to be doing something with his mouth, be it talking, yelling, eating or kissing. Or other things Youngjae tries not to think about at this particular moment. Right now, he locks his hand on Youngjae’s nape and pulls him closer to nip at his neck and collarbones. Youngjae listens to every little noise he makes, trying to remember what makes him shiver and what groan.  
Youngjae finds his other hand and directs it to his ass, under the pajamas. Jackson automatically grabs him and Youngjae briefly wonders, if they could just go on, but then shakes himself out of it.  
“Remember what I promised?” he pants into Jackson’s ear. “For tomorrow?”  
Jackson goes tense against him, a long moan getting out of his throat as he comes. Youngjae pumps him through it, laughing breathlessly as Jackson flops back down on the bed, eyes barely open. Youngjae gets up, laughing more at Jackson’s displeased whine, and gets a wet towel to clean them both up.

Jackson observes him with heavy-lidded eyes patiently.

“C’mere,” he mumbles as soon as Youngjae is done.

Youngjae lies down next to him and Jackson pulls him in to cuddle and leave lazy kisses on his jaw. Youngjae smooths his fingers through Jackson’s bleached hair and hums quietly.

“Is that a song?” Jackson asks sleepily.

“A lullaby,” Youngjae says quietly.

“’S nice,” Jackson decides.

Youngjae hums again, until Jackson is relaxed in deep sleep in his arms.

*** 

“Ha! I told you!” Bambam says smugly.

“No way,” Jaebum mumbles, stunned.

“Thank god,” Jinyoung mutters. “I thought I’d have to do something about this, after all.”

“Is that– are you– but how?” Yugyeom blurts out.

Mark doesn’t say anything, but his smile is blinding.

“You knew about it?” Jaebum demands, turning to Jinyoung. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Mark-hyung said I shouldn’t, because then everyone would know,” Jinyoung grumbles.

“Mark?!”

Mark rolls his eyes.

“I thought you’d notice,” he says.

“But how is it even possible?” Yugyeom asks, clearly still in shock.

“Of course it’s possible, didn’t you notice how Jackson-hyung was pining?” Bambam asks incredulously.

“But–”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Jackson says, completely red now, as Youngjae almost falls to the ground from laughing so hard. “We’re together, can we move on now?”

“Are you an idiot?”

“How are we supposed to just move on, you never said anything!”

“Youngjae is single for like, two weeks, isn’t it too soon?”

Jackson sighs, his hand squeezing briefly Youngjae’s to make him stop laughing.

“It’s okay,” Youngjae assures with a smile, and matching frowns on Jinyoung and Jaebum’s face ease a little.

Bambam squints, though.

“You already did something, didn’t you,” he says accusingly.

Youngjae laughs nervously and then openly and freely again after he sees Jackson’s half guilty half smug face.

“Oh my god!” Yugyeom yells, covering his face.

Bambam grimaces. Jaebum gapes at them.

“Already?!” Jinyoung asks and Youngjae knows that a lecture is coming, if someone doesn’t stop Jinyoung right now.

“Remember how we started off, Jinyoungie?” Mark pipes up.

Jinyoung opens his mouth, frowns and closes it, while about ten different expressions show up on his face in less than four seconds. Thank fuck for Mark.

“Are you sure about this?” Jinyoung asks finally, all serious and sincere.

Youngjae looks at Jackson, who sends him a nervous glance, and he knows it’s his decision, just how it would be his decision, if it didn’t work out at some point in the future. Jackson has already decided long ago, it hits Youngjae suddenly and he feels a little overwhelmed to realize just how much Jackson must love him.

Youngjae squeezes his hand, looking brightly right into those big, expressive eyes.

“I’m sure.”

___


End file.
